Self Test

Could Relationship Counseling be helpful?

Please mark the sentences that feel right:

Affection & Trust
I doubt that there is still love or affection in our relationship.
I doubt that there is still trust between us.
I doubt that we still find each other attractive.
We aren't really enjoying our time together, and times are rare when we getting along well or look forward to spending time together.
We rarely signal fondness or affection towards each other.
I'm not sure or doubt that we have a great deal in common.
Caress
We rarely have physical contact (hugging, fondling etc.).
We are rarely cuddling (anymore)
We don't enjoy or act out endearment (anymore)
We go separate ways most of the time.
Sexuality
Sexual activities between us are rare/not anymore.
Sexual activities feel awkward or feel like a fulfilment of a duty.
Sexual activities are rarely/never satisfying, often problematic.
Sexuality is a source of conflict between us.
Shared interests
We don't have shared interests, hobbies or philosophies of life.
We share few/no aims in life, they aren't well-suited or incompatible (like one partner aiming at marriage and children, the other one doesn't).
We aren't in agreement upon what we want to achieve and what we want to avoid in life.
Boundaries & Territories
At least one of us doesn't have his/her own territory or the boundaries are unclear.
Own territories aren't well-respected by one partner.
Solidarity & Reciprocity
My partner is rarely present when I need him/her or I missed him/her previously in an important situation - and that bothers me.
When I'm having difficult times, I often feel left to sort this out all by myself - and that bothers me.
I feel like no one is supporting me and/or left alone when I'm under attack.
I do not feel that I benefit from the relationship to the same extent as my partner does we still have a score to settle.
At least one of us feels exploited and/or often misunderstood.
Power & Status
In my opinion, there is often an imbalance in who makes decisions in our relationship.
Usually, only one of us decides for both or makes important decisions alone - and that bothers me.
Usually, I/he/she vastly decides alone over money, holidays, friends, child education, sexual activities - and that bothers me.
I rarely feel able to tell my partner about my needs and desires, or I expect them to be rejected right away.
Usually I have to make all important decisions on my own - and that bothers me.
In our relationship, there is perpetual nagging or criticized in a negative way, I'm often nagging myself or we are mutually criticizing each other which often leaves a bad feeling behind.
Willingness to forgive
I'm not willing to forgive the wrongdoing of my partner or can't do for other reasons.
I can't forgive how he/she treated me.
I can't forgive that he/she wasn't there when I needed him/her.
Communication
We can't discuss or just talk about irrelevant issues or ourselves.
We're just talking at cross purposes / past each other anymore and/or it seems that there is nothing left to say most of the time.
Our conversation almost only exists of problem talk and/or we often/always argue.
We often have misunderstandings - to an extent that bothers me.
I feel like we're not really listening each other anymore.
We can just talk about commonplaces or I have to hold back important informations to avoid risking arguments.
I can't express my desires, needs and disappointments to a satisfying extent anymore.
Health
One of us suffers from psychosomatic disorders (like stomach ache, tensions or headaches) because of the problems in our relationship.
"Skeletons in the closet" / same old..
An unresolved problem of our past is still putting a strain on us.
There are problems with members of his/her family of origin or her/his circle of friends.

 

The more of these quotes apply to your situation, the more it might make sense to get yourself counseling and support (but you could as well consider a single match as sufficient enough to do so - it all depends on the value, expectations and demands you put in your relationship). Usually, the sooner someone starts with counseling or pair therapy, the higher the chances for it's success - probably because both partners are not that much accustomed to inappropriate strategies at the early stages of a crisis. Sometimes, remarkable improvements or significant relieve can already be accomplished after just a few sessions.

If it feels important to you to improve your relationship or if there were times when the aforementioned problems were clearly smaller or not existant at all, you may want to contact a therapist, counselor or an information center in your area. My experience shows that in most cases, it doesn't matter too much whether your partner participates in the first session or not (though it's by no doubt the better way to start). Ultimately, pair therapy/relationship counseling can also help to clearify -together with a professionally trained, neutral person- whether there is enough potential for a change or for finding a solution by both partners.

More on relationship counseling..